Not sure is this the right thread but we found a house we really liked. It’s modest, small, but on a great street (cul-de-sac), great plot with forest behind the house in a fantastic neighborhood. It’s walking distance from one of the best school districts in the city. We did our homework: compared prices, calculated price per square meter, studied local sales, and planned our bid. We were giddy and ready. This was going to be our home.
DH wanted his dad (a contractor) to check it out. I had a bad feeling I said I thought it was a bad idea but I don’t know much about construction. He also sent the listing to his brother (BIL) to keep him in the loop since he knew family would talk. That was one of many of our mistakes.
BIL immediately scoffed. That neighborhood? So overpriced. He rattled off "better deals" and sent listings from his own neighborhood: further out, more space, more "bang for your buck". He didn’t ask what we liked about it. He didn’t even ask what mattered to us. He ridiculed the choice because he didn’t pick it. DH stayed cool and did not defend, or justify, he knew that whatever he highlighted about the place we chose would make BIL insecure about this own house. We know that a house purchase is ultimately a very personal choice.
for context: BIL is the golden child. Proud homeowner for four years. His place is lovely, it's big, and on a nice plot, but it’s a two-car life. Every errand, every school drop-off, every grocery trip requires driving. We considered that kind of location too. He prides himself on making the best decisions and by following rules and traditions. He has the right tool for each job. His car is always spotless and well DH although very successful in his own right has chosen a much more unconventional lifestyle and is seen by the family as an irresponsible little boy.
ANYWAYS: DH’s parents came to the second viewing and were surprisingly pleasant. FIL said the house was solid. MIL said the size was perfect and highlighted many positive aspects. It felt like we had their support which ofcourse was nice but I was confident without their approval. We left the showing ready to bid.
For context: the ILS are country folk, the are the kind of people who think people who rent are moronic and people who live in big cities and are career focused have it all wrong. They are not wealthy and both of their sons have long surpassed them financially.
After the viewing they visited BIL on their way home. When I realised this I knew that a gossip session would insue.. and trouble was on the horizon.
And sure enough once they got home from the BIL visit it was a 360 degree change.
Suddenly DH was flooded with messages from MIL about how the house was too dark, too small, too expensive, too much work. She sent links to other listings. FIL started questioning the infrastructure. The tone shifted from support to subtle doubt: "Are you sure you’re ready?" "What about this other place?"
We had gone from certainty to total confusion overnight. BIL had gotten to them. Again.
By the next morning, MIL was flooded with anxiety and acting like we needed an intervention, like we were going to make the biggest mistake of our lives and was offering to pay for a second inspection, listing even more concerns, more questions. FIL jumped on the phone questioning why we weren’t buying in BIL’s neighborhood. DH didn't defend or explain.. but I could tell he was rattled.
And then DH suggested we accept the offer for a second inspection.
That’s when I lost it.
Another life milestone ruined. Another joyful moment chipped away by 1,000 paper cuts. Our excitement was gone. All I felt was grief and self-doubt. We started questioning our decision, our judgment, our instincts.
This is what they do. But this time it was a delayed reaction and fueled by BIL. BIL has a long history of ridiculing any choice that didn’t come from him. When their parents bought a fancy TV, he spent weeks talking about how stupid and wasteful it was. When we bought a new bed, he insinuated we were stupid for not buying his old one that he wanted to get rid of. When we decided to travel with our baby he said we'd be torturing them. When we upgraded our closet he asked "checked with someone who knew what they were doing." Everything has to be filtered through his lens of sensibility. If it didn’t come from him, it must be wrong.
He couldn't stand the idea that we were making a different decision, or buying a more expensive house than his, a decision that might even turn out well. They did what they always do: ridicule, undermines, infects everyone else with doubt.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/RealEstate/comments/1n24ye6/house_purchase_drama_toxic_family/
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